Menopausal grief and aging, a doorway to wisdom.

I’m not a menopause specialist, other than with my own experience with it. I know how my body works and do my best to follow the signs that keep changing inside and outside. I offer a glimpse into my grieving process of aging in this short text. With regard to the changes menopause is asking of me and what it teaches me.

Menopause started at age 50 for me. My initial signs were the end of my menses and the fluctuations in my internal heating system. A few years later my sleep patterns have become more sensitive to what I eat, watch, think and feel.

But now, being on the other side of 60, I’m noticing more external changes.

Embrace your transition into your crone wisdom.

Disempowerment is wishing for something that no longer exists. Empowerment is to fully integrate past and present with possibilities. 

When I look in the mirror, I don’t see the same woman looking back. She is much older than I am and it’s confusing to see her there. I try to let her be without criticizing her. When I put on my morning facial cream, I tell her that since she is here, I’ll do my best to accept her.

 Being fully present in your current reality deepens your authenticity.

Engaging with her in a conversation, she tells me that the process of aging allowed her to learn about gratitude and love throughout her life. She is grateful that she’s kept on striving to stay open to love and to forgive herself. She also tells me that being flexible in adapting to changes is a courageous way to live life.

 Grief is not just an abyss, it is also a portal into our deeper self, where profound transformation may unfold. 

I tell her how much grief I feel to see her skin wrinkle all over her body and how I wish I could stop this process. She says that grief has always been present throughout all of the changes and transitions I’ve experienced in life.

She’s right. I do remember a profound experience I had after giving birth to my daughter. Returning home after two days at the hospital, just before I stepped into our home, I had a strong feeling that stopped me in my track. I thought to myself how my life as I knew it will never be the same anymore and there is no turning back. I felt both at the same time; joy for my new role as a mother and grief for whom I would no longer be. Entering into my home with my baby was also stepping into motherhood. I felt the excitement of entering into an experience I had long wished for. I also felt the immensity of the responsibility that caring for this person would demand of me, for years to come.

Embrace your transition into your crone wisdom to fully integrate past and present with new possibilities. 

During my morning ritual, I cultivate compassionate awareness and tell her that her wrinkles are beautiful. That I will keep caring for her well-being despite the fact that I can’t stop the aging process. As my gaze shifts, I see in her eyes the wisdom of a life well lived. Including the grief, the joys, the heartaches and all of the life lessons learned.

She affirms that it is a privilege to acquire grey hair, lines around my mouth and eyes, and thinner skin. They are the garments of a rite of passage into elderhood, she says. Not everybody makes it here. And not everyone accepts the important role of being an elder and perhaps a crone elder, even less so. She relates how life is a continual transformational process, such as the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. What an extraordinary example of transfiguration for us from nature!

Make sense of your grief experience and find relief from the pressures of societal expectations.

We go through a slow transfiguration process ourselves, she continues to share with me. If we are willing. It’s a choice we all have. Of course, the temptation for us all is to believe that it doesn’t have to be so, and to resist the aging process. Many will buy into the promises of XYZ methods to stop the aging process. Even if we manage to slow its visual aspects, the reality of our mortality will not change.

The grief I feel relating to aging, she told me, is a sane and natural process. It is a process which helps us acknowledge what was, and what is no longer. It keeps us in sync with reality and with the truth of our mortality. It also allows us to make some inventory of our life so far. The evidence of aging may also give us check-in points with ourselves to make different choices. To adjust our life course, as it were.

 These changes allow us to keep evolving in kindness, love and compassion, toward ourselves and others.  

Listening to her, I reflect on different parts of my life. I wonder how I am doing with my acceptance of growing into my crone-elder years. What does it mean to me to be a crone-elder? What inspiring elder role models have I had in my life?

One can be old in years but have not integrated the lessons from their life experiences. This lack of integration prevents having access to our own personal life wisdom. Wisdom to me means being closer to unconditional love, kindness, and compassion toward ourselves and others.

I am suddenly filled with relief at the thought that even though my body is aging, I still have time, right here right now, to learn more about compassion, kindness and love.

I am growing a different outlook on my transforming appearance. I realize how much of an honour it is to witness the transformation of my body garment. The smart spacesuit I’ve been given for this life. I choose to see the aging transformation as a representation of my rite of passage into my crone-elder years.  I got to make it this far. Many of my friends have not. It is a privilege to still be alive. Growing into my elder years allows me to keep learning how to love unconditionally, and integrate kindness and compassion into my daily life.